in love with competence
like no one is watching
It’s startlingly obvious the longer I spend in the corporate world that most smart, high achieving people are in love with a specific form of difficulty: the ever-escaping measure of competence. It’s an obsessive, all consuming desire. Resulting in late hours, large volumes of caffeine, little sleep. Competence is more fulfilling than love, more delicious than rest — it’s so tangible, measurable. The euphoria of feeling useful, valued.
In isolation, this desire for competence is a good thing. Wanting to push to the edge of your ability, seeing effort translate to outcome. Seeking competence is why I was so obsessed with tennis in high school. A precise forehand across the court, a sinewy thwack. It’s why I’m always typing in my notion app by a blinking San Francisco crosswalk, the relentless ache to capture something, to make it good. It’s engrained in me — to keep stubbornly bashing away at something, again and again until I become proficient at it.
But a question I asked myself recently: who is judging my competence?
When I look to the external world for validation I feel really jaded. Validation looks like the bonus, praise, long hours, money, press coverage, views. There are all of these benchmarks and there’s no room for nuance. Everyone has a different definition of value, everyone has different Gods. The benchmarks keep changing. It’s easy to get swept away. This statement from Jung: The world will ask you who you are, and if you do not know, the world will tell you.
I’ve been on the search for my own definition of competence, validation, assurance. This time last year I was in Chicago walking Magnificent Mile, shivering on my way back to the hotel after a long night at work. The sky was dark velvet, the snow like ice petals, unfurling over and over onto the ground. Blooming then dissipating. Everything closed. Snow lights on. Lips and fingers numb. I was exhausted but I sat under the covers that night writing.
When my friends ask me why I write, I explain that writing feels like the sensation of warmth flooding in after being in the cold. Joy. Relief. Coming home. It’s been my mirror — when I’m frustrated, heartbroken, burned out, exhausted — it shows me who I am, the most beautiful version. As a kid I was always writing poems, journaling. In many ways writing was my secret, sacred place, where I felt most free.
Lately it’s not that secret. I get reasonable amounts of feedback now. Sometimes I get really lovely messages (thank you!), other times some nasty comments. But at the end of the day, I can never escape from this truth: I just need to satisfy myself. I need to have faith in the message, to invest in my own judgment. The more I rely on an internal source of belief and security, the less I’m yanked or seduced by the dominant currency of external approval. I don’t want to write something I know will spark attention at the risk of being dishonest to the message I care about. I don’t want to pander toward an all seeing eye, the world that criticizes without discernment. Or bargain my heart away for approval. All I need to do is write like no one is watching.
Perhaps this is the only way to achieve validation and competence in a way that is internally true and loving. Ask yourself this: In total silence, total invisibility, when no one knows your name, when no one judges, when no one even looks — what do you choose to do, who do you choose to be?
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PPS: You might like my other essays on accomplishment — nothing to prove and you can have everything
What I’m reading this week
Book: Patti Smith — Devotion
Essays: What’s going on here, with this human? by Graham Duncan on hiring the right people (via David Perell), Good conversations have lots of doorknobs (via Haley Nahman), In Search of Lost Vibes by Matilda Lin Berke (via Desire Lines)
Devotion:
We would all like to believe that we came from nowhere but ourselves, every gesture is our own. But then we find we belong to the history and fate of a long line of beings that also may have wished to be free.
Quote of the Week
After a lifetime of never quite finding my place in company I now realise that my true home is in practice and the learning of new skills. if one day I completely disappear, I am not gone, I am just in a safe space somewhere, learning something new and touching the veil.
FKA Twigs
"In total silence, total invisibility, when no one knows your name, when no one judges, when no one even looks — what do you choose to do, who do you choose to be?"
A few years ago I remember experimenting with this with anonymous alts on Twitter. I didn't know what to make of the fact that I pretty much ended up being... exactly like I am, trying to be a kind friendly nerd. I got a bit more grandiose and dramatic when I didn't have to worry coming across as "sane" or "well-adjusted".
This question does make me want to revisit this feeling to see if anything has changed; thanks for sharing Nix!
"Ask yourself this: In total silence, total invisibility, when no one knows your name, when no one judges, when no one even looks — what do you choose to do, who do you choose to be?"
I grew up seeking external validation to a point where that was my only source of the feeling of worthiness. Trying to break away from this detrimental pattern is a journey I have embarked upon, but it's not the easiest or the quickest road to take.