unedited journal entry vibe today friends, trying to get back to consistently writing!
Last week I walked around Golden Gate Park for most of Saturday, phone on airplane mode.
Every time I spend time alone in nature I wonder why I donāt do it more often. How beautiful it is. The curled splendor of the Monterey Cypresses. The variation of soft, deep, greens that expand outward: through the cracks in the pavement, the empty parking lots, the sprawling open space. The weightless golden light that collapses on the Panhandle in the evenings.
The dreamer inside of me out-negotiates my internal realist very often. I wrote this in my journal when I got home:
I really do love how being in SF makes you sincerely believe that everything is possible. That the future gleams just beyond reach. It makes me want to strive toward it, throw my whole heart toward it. But I also know that placing too much emphasis on the future makes one neglect the present. Iāve seen the ugly side of it. People who constantly hoard joy for a projected future: a forecasted world where the next thing is the source of satisfaction, success, importance. How some people become obsessed with the metrics, the trajectory. The human impulse to reach a hand into the void for the next thing to grasp onto. But itās futile because there will always be a next thing, closely followed by the next thing after that. We graduate from one wanting to the next. Itās hard to accept where you are right now when youāre always barreling towards the future, when you place joy in the future tense.
Sheila Heti: To find the right distance from everything in life is the most important thing. Like God standing back from the canvas ā you canāt see anything when youāre too up close. I realize Iāve been standing so close, nose-to-canvas, my whole life. I often forget to yank myself up to the surface to situate myself, give myself context. All my mind wants to do is think, when what I really need is to feel.
So Iām setting myself some goals to disconnect from the world more often (aka stop being so goddamn terminally online). Iāve been trying my hardest to stand back. See the bigger picture. Tend to the current moment. Be calmer, less anxious, less neurotic. Learn to love the current me, despite knowing I have so much I want to change, build, do. I recognize all this is much easier said than done lol.
But I really do wonder. I wonder what it feels like to walk through the long grass, reap in the sweetness ā not to build anything or do anything, just to exist and know what that feels like. Lie down and look at the clouds moving in slow motion. I wonder what it feels like to suspend time in this quiet, intimate moment, where I donāt have to think about the next thing at all.
-N.
Things Iām consuming
Books:
Over the past 2 weeks I re-read Art as Therapy by Alain de Botton (so good!), Pure Color by Sheila Heti, and This is Your Mind on Plants by Michael Pollan
āI wonāt be damaged, I wonāt be overstretched. I know what really matters and what doesnāt. That too, is loveā
Upcoming: The Fruit Thief, one way journey into the interior by Peter Handke, No One is Talking About This by Patricia Lockwood, M Train by Patti Smith
French song of the week
Obsession of the week
Iāve been obsessed with diving and exploring unique architecture and interior design recently. Sharing Tas Careagaās 3 year project in renovating an āold church in ruinsā and turning it into his dream studio/loft and Alexandre Betakās parisian home.
Photos of the Week
Feature of the Week
Many of you know my dearest (and very talented) friend Justine who I used to write Kopi Club (our old newsletter) with ā I deeply miss our co-writing on the couch. I wanted to feature some of her beautiful photography here in honor of springtime coming around again:
"Learn to love the current me, despite knowing I have so much I want to change, build, do. I recognize all this is much easier said than done lol. But I really do wonder. I wonder what it feels like to walk through the long grass, reap in the sweetness ā not to build anything or do anything, just to exist and know what that feels like." š„š„
"Iāve been trying my hardest to stand back. See the bigger picture. Tend to the current moment. Be calmer, less anxious, less neurotic. Learn to love the current me, despite knowing I have so much I want to change, build, do. I recognize all this is much easier said than done lol." I felt so understood