chapters and doors
A journal-type essay/less edited (#60 on the substack) today friends - less creative writing-inclined and more existential I suppose. How are you all doing?
It’s always the feeling of nostalgia that gets to me most. Returning somewhere you used to be when you were a little more naive, stubborn, willful — a chapter in your life that is now shut.
When I went back home in November last year I kept going back to malls I had visited as a teen. Scaffolding turned into glimmering buildings, places I had frequented refurbished or closed. I was disappointed to find an old sushi spot tucked away in a neighborhood building shuttered. An ice cream shop turned into another Zara. A green park landscaped and opened: a seesaw, a swing set.
That was where I spent my childhood and such a large portion of my life. When I was there I walked in the forest almost every day. But places don’t stay exactly the same just because you loved them intensely for a while. Change comes for everything. There’s no logical procession of what stays and what goes.
My life before was so clearly defined but now the future feels so shapeless, a fragment of potential, open in flight. It’s not the same old story, lineage, history, anymore. The plot is evolving. I decidedly grit my teeth and pursue change, but sometimes I don’t realize how hard it is. My surroundings spin by like dust in a whirlwind. I’m constantly changing my mind. Still, I feel like same old me. That duality always surprises me.
Here’s a few ideas from crevices in my notes app:
Belief drift
Not all the things you believe currently are a predictor of what you will believe 5 years from now. The learning rate is steep. It’s good to change your mind, actually. Admit to yourself when your inputs led to faulty conclusions. But! It is important to keep increasing the incremental positivity of said beliefs about one’s own life. To keep expanding the window of constraints you’ve historically framed for yourself. I like to think I pivot slowly into more openness with every reflection cycle (like, I did A. So A.1 and A.2 is in reach, and eventually I’ll believe B is possible too)
Being a good upfront filter
Being filtered out very early by people who don’t believe or see your value is a blessing. It means you’ve depicted a distinct version of yourself that people can opt in or out of. The right people actively choose you rather than being lukewarm or ambivalent. There’s love in specificity after all.
Symptoms from the river mouth
A lot of anguish, emotional pain or even physiological symptoms are downstream effects from one big unresolved problem or knot in your life. They sometimes parcel themselves in novel and strange ways but are a nudge to dig into a part of your life/psyche you’re ignoring.
Roland Barthes “what language conceals is said through the body. My body is a stubborn child; my language is a civilized adult”
Second chances aka things return on their own timing
Nature provides more than one golden opportunity for you to get the thing that you want. Perhaps in different configurations of events or people.
Life demands commitment
Regardless of what you choose to commit to, you end up committing to something. You can’t escape the act of choosing, even in default. Even not choosing forks the road.
Interest as compass
Let interest be your compass toward what you should put effort into. I personally advocate that it’s also fine to experiment with multiple interests even if that feels… misguided or abstract. E.g., projects, blogs, identities. Each iteration gets you closer to your truest self. I also think ambition or even propensity to learn is mostly directionless but potent, and can be applied to multiple things. You don’t have to simply listen to people who believe that ambition has to be a linear, unwavering, charted path. It’s more like a meander, a slow burn, an emerging discovery, I think.
Chapters
“Every season is its own beautiful moment.” When I’m deep in it, I have to remember that it’s still beautiful — this open road.
Life Inputs
An Immense World by Ed Yong
I have perfected my vegan banana bread and finally have a working recipe that succeeds every time. I am now working on my vegan chocolate coconut tart recipe!!
I think Anthony Doerr’s prose is simple and elegant — working myself through his collections of Memory Wall and Shell Collector. I think Four Seasons in Rome is v underrated.
If you like reading things on the topic of work and renegotiating our relationships with productivity (albeit very tech-y) I enjoyed these recently:
Alexey Guzey’s article, What Should You Do with Your Life? Directions and Advice
Paul Graham’s essay How to Do Great Work
Oliver Burke’s Four Thousand Weeks
"Amateurs are sometimes separated from professionals by skill, but always by motivation: the term itself derives from the latin word ‘amare’ - to love. To be an amateur is to do something for the love of it”
Jenny Odell’s Saving Time (I saw her talk with A in SF a few months ago and it was incredible)
"Let interest be your compass toward what you should put effort into. I personally advocate that it’s also fine to experiment with multiple interests even if that feels… misguided or abstract. E.g., projects, blogs, identities. Each iteration gets you closer to your truest self." Agree 🤍
I absolutely loved this, thank you for sharing!
Holding onto these words. Thank you for your work!
"You don’t have to simply listen to people who believe that ambition has to be a linear, unwavering, charted path. It’s more like a meander, a slow burn, an emerging discovery, I think."