the art of saying no

setting boundaries: every honest no makes space for a true yes

so in love w this illustration by Karlotta Freier

bit of a different style of writing today friends. sharing something important to me around boundary setting :) more of a journal entry + collection of notes

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Saying no is the skill of a lifetime.

In fact, it’s an underrated art form. It requires constant work to hone this skill, shape it, communicate it clearly. And like any piece of art, not everyone will understand it.

In previous years when I didn’t set good boundaries I ended up feeling drained and listless. Ended up feeling very resentful because I couldn’t advocate for myself. In some ways it felt like a deep, self-betrayal. I said yes to many things I should have said no to. Spent too much time with the wrong people, went to too many things, people-pleased my way into exhaustion. Back then I didn’t know that ambivalence meant ‘no’, too. My intuition was screaming in the background, but all I heard was white noise.

This year, I live by this mantra: every honest no makes space for a true yes.

Maggie Nelson once said in her interview on The Rumpus: “(I need to) reiterate the importance of space, of silence, of void… to make space for God to rush in.” When I read that, I was like that’s exactly it. Space allows for truth, intention, reflection.

Now I think a lot about how my actions should bring this space — the expansiveness of it. Sometimes the most beautiful things appear only after you give them enough room to emerge.

As Caroline Donofrio put it, every “no” protects a “yes.” The priority. The dream. The path that resonates more. Or just a precious pocket of time.

I get it though. I’m also pretty conflict avoidant. Setting boundaries may feel like a rush of anxiety. Burning and quickening, heartbeat rising. Asking yourself: am I being ridiculous? will this hurt their feelings? why am I so affected by this? Those difficult feelings never go away. You just get more accustomed to bearing with them.

Living lightly is just like this: hold onto others’ responses lightly. Live with these feelings lightly — have faith that the right people will stay. The people who reject your boundaries are the ones who benefited from you not having any.

The short difficulty of setting a boundary can prevent the longer, arduous, tedious burn of constantly feeling over-worked, over-engaged.

Jessica Fern writes about this concept of absorbing:

When our boundaries are porous from the outside in, we are being too wide open. We let other people's thoughts, opinions, preferences and judgments eclipse our own inclinations, wisdom or better knowledge. Absorbing is when we take in what is not ours, when we lack enough self-definition that we leave ourselves underprotected while being over-connected.

From Common Discourse:

I think we’re afraid of boundaries because we view it from the perspective of keeping others out instead of keeping ourselves in. When we honor boundaries, we honor other people. There is no extension of ourselves if we aren’t intact to begin with.

The people who really love us know that boundaries help us be more peaceful. More full. More calm. Just, more. More ourselves.

I just know that I don’t want to collapse into yes anymore. I don’t want to minimize myself to maximize others. I’m learning how to respect myself and channeling that respect outwards. Practicing the art of saying no. Understand this is the only way to live fully in this life, not let it slip by. Choosing things that make me feel bright, full, and clear.

Self-definition is a form of self-love. Knowing where you end and I begin. Knowing that I can disappoint other people, but I cannot disappoint myself.

That’s a type of freedom, right? I used to think freedom was the ability to do everything. Now I think freedom is the capacity and confidence to say no.

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Some notes on boundaries and how to categorize/explain them

1. Types of boundaries

A good exercise here is to look at each bucket and write down what your boundaries are for each component. Some examples:

Physical boundaries

• Not wanting to allow people into your home/space

• Not feeling comfort in certain environments

• Feeling uncomfortable with physical proximity

Time boundaries

• Only wanting to see someone for X amount of time

• Coming for one event but not overstaying

• Not staying too late at work

Mental boundaries

• Not being able to give thought/time/attention to something someone else is bringing up

• Not having the energy to be someone’s therapist

Spiritual boundaries

• Not drinking

• Aversion to certain terms in language e.g., swearing/sarcasm/jokes around certain topics

2. Approaches to setting boundaries

These approaches are outlined by Nedra Glover Tawwab in her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace. Below is paraphrased from here. She argues that most people set boundaries the wrong ways, by being:

• Passive — denying your needs to allow others to be comfortable

• Aggressive — attacking another person with harsh or demanding words and behaviors, instead of stating what we want. Driven out of resentment.

• Passive-Aggressive —Tawwab shares that this is the #1 way we communicate our feelings and needs, but it is not effective.

  • “When we resist directly setting boundaries to avoid confrontations, we are hoping the other person will figure out what they are doing is wrong and self-correct . . . being indirect is counterproductive because our needs go unmet. This only makes us more frustrated and overwhelmed with our interactions.”

• Manipulation — doing things to cause the other person to feel guilty.

The ideal way to approach boundaries is to be:

• Assertive — clearly and directly stating your needs which involves communicating your feelings openly and without attacking others.

• This also means when you set a boundary, you do NOT rescind it later. You have to honor it by acting it out.

3. How to set a boundary (examples)

All the smartest people I know set very intentional boundaries. I personally adapted some examples laid out from here to create some templates for graceful/kind/healthy boundary setting, in combination with some boundaries I’ve seen personally:

• Physical

  • “Please don’t touch me like that. It makes me uncomfortable.”

  • “I need some space to take a personal call. Thanks for understanding”

  • “Would really appreciate it if you asked before taking that/using that”

  • “I would prefer if you sat there instead of here”

• Time

  • “Do you have time to chat today?”

  • “Can’t respond to this now, but will definitely spend some time responding later!”

  • “Going home early so calling an uber for myself, but you guys have fun!”

  • “Hey, just realized I’m pretty tired. Let’s call it a day after this event”

  • “I’d really like to squeeze in a gym session — I’ll be back in 30 minutes and pick up work then” (I’ve used this at work when hours were long)

  • “I need some me-time, see you later this week instead?”

  • “I can’t make that, unfortunately”

• Mental

  • “Hi, really appreciate you letting me know but I don’t have the headspace for this right now”

  • “Can I come back to this convo in the next hour? Want to give you my full attention then”

  • “Will send you my thoughts once I’ve understood this better”

• Spiritual

  • “I know we disagree and that’s fine, but I feel like you’re disrespecting my point of view”

  • “I don’t appreciate when you said this about me. Please don’t do that again”

  • “I feel uncomfortable when you make jokes about this. Please don’t mention that in front of me anymore”

-N.

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Quote of the Week

When you break something, you must study the pattern of the shattering before you can piece it back together.

Akwaeke Emezi, Freshwater

French song of the Week